Just To See You Again
by elmjuniper
Summary: If you're reading this, it means the thing we feared the most has happened. We've fought so hard for you to pull through, for you to hang on until we could find a cure. Reading this means we failed. I'm writing this because I need you to remember. Our life, your life and the task ahead of us. You must do everything in your power to remember. Remember who you are. FemShep/Sam
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **Characters and everything else you recognize eg places, objects, lore etc belongs to Bioware. The rest is just my imagination running wild with me. ;)

**AN: **The idea for this piece popped up when I was watching something on the telly. I always felt there was way too little Traynor love in ME3, in my opinion my Shepard should at least have said: "I love you" back to her or gotten a final good bye. Simply put, I think she was given too little space in the game. That could be because, well, how can you get enough of Traynor anyway? I've also always wanted to write a Shep/Traynor piece.

This story is set after ME3. The Reapers are gone, some of the relays have been rebuilt namely the one to the Citadel, but there is still much to be repaired. The galaxy seems to be at peace, but dark forces are once again at work. With Shepard suffering the side effects of having been resurrected too early and exposed to the Reaper base, will the galaxy stand a chance? Ok, here goes!

Enjoy and if you do _please _leave a review.

~Elmjuniper

* * *

_If you're reading this, it means the thing we feared the most has happened. We've fought so hard for you to pull through, for you to hang on until we could find a cure. Reading this means we failed. I'm writing this because I need you to remember. Our life, your life and the task ahead of us. You must do everything in your power to remember. Remember who you are._

**PROLOGUE**

"SARAH?" THE WOMAN BEHIND HER spoke carefully. She turned around from the window and the view she was studying to observe whoever had spoken to her. The woman wore a white top, the short sleeves rolled up and a pair of loose-fitting jeans. Her hair was jet black and her brown eyes looked gentle and kind.

"Yes?"

"How are you feeling today?" The woman asked stepping in to the room.

A frown grew on her face as she tried to remember if she had seen the woman before. What was the last thing she remembered? Nothing. She swallowed. Nothing besides waking up in this room, in that bed, in these clothes.

"I'm sorry, can I ask you something?"

"Anything," the woman replied, smiling.

"Sarah... is that... my name?" The woman's eyes widened in what looked like shock, maybe horror. She couldn't really tell.

"What did you say?" The woman blinked, her eyes dampening with each flutter.

"You called me Sarah. Is that my name?"

"Oh my God... no..."

"No? Do you know what it is?"

"No, this can't be happening..." The woman whispered, her eyes overflowing with tears.

"I-I'm sorry, did I say something wrong? Is there something wrong with you?" She stammered at loss. Why was this woman crying in her room? "Should I get help? I know I'm at a hospital because well, I'm wearing _this_," she said stretching her arms out demonstratively showing off her hospital robe. The woman hid her face in her hands before she looked up at her. Wiping her eyes she reached into the top drawer next to the bed.

"This is for you, Sarah Shepard," she said holding out a dossier. "When you've read it, come find me."

"Wait!" She called out after the retreating woman. "Wait a minute! Who are you?"

The woman stopped, shoulders slouching as she turned around, smiling sadly.

"I'm Samantha. Samantha Traynor."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Awakening

_You are one of the greatest soldiers of this era. You saved the galaxy, not just once, but three times you've halted a Reaper invasion. You lost many loved ones, many friends and comrades. The doctors said I shouldn't mention who is who, but I figured I should let you know you're a hero so you're prepared for when you go outside. Trust me, you'll need it. _

**AWAKENING**

SAMANTHA TWISTED THE RING ON her finger, staring up at the blue and impossibly vast sky. She let her head drop backwards as she closed her eyes, drawing her breath slowly. If she closed her eyes long enough then maybe when she opened them she would find it had all just been one of those bad dreams one can't wake up from.

It had all started nearly six months back. First it was the headaches, then the blurred vision. They had thought perhaps Sarah just needed glasses. Samantha smiled at the memory. The commander had looked just as beautiful in her glasses as she had before. Though she did tease her pointing out that surely Garrus would love to challenge Sarah at sniping cans from some high rising building of the Citadel again once he found out about her new accessory. It always earned her growl from the blonde soldier before she was pulled into a hug, her lips locked with Sarah's in an adoring kiss. The glasses had helped for a while, but then one morning Sarah woke up and couldn't remember that she had told Samantha the night before that the Alliance needed her again. For a mission. Sarah hadn't run any missions since Day of the Rising –the day when she had defeated the Reapers. They had argued about it, eventually deciding to both think over it.

Everything had gone downhill from there. Some days Sarah would remember almost everything, other days she'd remember nothing at all, but she had always remembered Samantha. The doctors had told them they couldn't find any explanation to what was happening. Sarah displayed some characteristical traits of Alzheimer's disease, but when the doctors ran tests they found that was not the case. It had taken countless of visits to hospital and an endless row of specialists before they had found it.

The memory upgrades Sarah had been given when Cerberus resurrected her were slowly deteriorating, erasing every memory stored within them. It was all Cerberus' technique, no one knew what they had used or how they'd done it. And ever since the Illusive Man had died the group had scattered to the wind, nobody wanting to face trial for Cerberus' deeds. Amongst those gone where the CO of the Lazarus project that had pieced Sarah back together –Miranda Lawson. Last anyone had heard from her was at the Rising. Nobody even knew if she had survived it.

Sarah had spent nights and days trying to find the informant, using every resource she could find, but to no avail. Not even the asari who acted like the Shadow broker had been able to find anything.

Dr. Conrad had explained to them that if they couldn't find someone from the former terrorist-classified group then Sarah's mind was likely to go back to starting point. She would remember nothing at all. From that point she would have to start building up new memories. The old ones would be gone. Neither of them had wanted to believe the doctors. How could they? How could they possibly believe in a future where Sarah would once again look at her as if she was a stranger? The woman Samantha had given her heart and soul to, who she had promised an eternity to, would one day wake up and not remember it. Or feel the same. Not enough nights had been spent closely intertwined as if to etch in each other's touches onto the other's aching skin. Not enough mornings had been spent enjoying the sunlight together. It was like she had been shown this amazing vision of paradise and now the cruel reality had woke her up.

Samantha heard something rustle to her right side and she opened her eyes.

"How are you holding up, Samantha?" The grey-haired woman asked as she leant forward gently putting her hand on her thigh. She smiled at the sight of the familiar face. Karin Chakwas. She wanted to say something, but the doctor's small gesture of kindness broke through her barriers and she let the quite sobs tear from her mouth. Despair racked her lithe frame and she covered her mouth with both her hands as she let the hot tears stain her cheeks. The older woman pulled her into a comforting embrace, stroking her hair.

"There, there, Sam," she hushed her gently, allowing her a moment of weakness. She hid in Chakwas' arms thankful none of their other friends where there to see her in such state.

"I know this is difficult, Sam, but Sarah needs you now. More than she's ever needed you before. She needs us all to be strong."

Samantha nodded, drawing a deep breath before exhaling heavy, straightening up once again. Chakwas smiled warmly.

"Can't we just ask Liara to restore Sarah's memories?" Samantha asked once again. Parts of her couldn't believe she even asked for Sarah's ex-lover to meld with her again, but the other part had nothing to lose and she wasn't too proud to ask for help.

"And what do we do the next time Shepard suffers from this?" Chakwas asked.

"I don't know, just do it _again_."

"You know Liara can only restore what she experienced in the meld. Even if she did meld with Sarah again she would only remember things from before she died."

"Isn't that better than anything?"

"Or maybe, it's better to start new memories, knowing that this time they will probably stay with her until the end. The upgrades have been destroyed, now she's gaining new memories that will be remembered regardless of her upgrades."

Samantha looked out across the Citadel's extravagant design. Who would have thought that this place had been overflowing with Reaper tissue and dead human bodies? She knew Karin was right.

"What if she doesn't love me again?" She whispered quietly.

"Then make her. You caught her once before, Traynor. You can do it again."

She smiled or at least she tried to. She had indeed managed to catch the most wonderful woman in the galaxy, but could she really do it again?

"We've helped beat the Reapers together, comm. Specialist Traynor. Time to suit up for another mission."

~•~

"Sarah Shepard," she mumbled to herself. It didn't ring any bell, didn't even feel familiar. She scratched the nape of her neck as the doctor examined her. Her thoughts were jumbled and confused. She was in this strange place she couldn't recognize. She didn't know who she was, she didn't know _anything_. She knew how to talk, she knew the name of the colours and could multiply things in her head, but it was as if she had awakened from a long slumber. The last thing she remembered was, well, nothing at all. Not even a dream. It was all just blank.

"So, Sarah, do you remember anything?" The doctor asked in that characteristical doctor's voice. The one she could imagine every doctor used. She shook her head "no".

"Hmm," he mumbled, crossing his arms observing her from where he stood. "Do you know what this is?" He held up a picture with something that looked like a ship.

"A space ship?"

"Good. Can you say anything else about this ship?"

"It's..." She frowned staring at the details. The top of the hull curved nicely and wore the colours white and blue. The wings had been placed far back and looked as if it had some really powerful engines. "I think it's a fast ship?"

"What makes you say that?"

She pointed at the wings. "They look like hyper-speed boosters."

"Interesting."

"I suppose," she shrugged.

"No, I mean it's interesting that you possess some knowledge of spaceships. It would suggest your brain still harbours knowledge of what you've learnt before." He shook his head. "You have all the symptoms of retrograde amnesia, but I'm afraid that's only half your diagnosis. You have been fitted with certain upgrades that have damaged your memory to some extent. You don't remember who you are or your life, but your brain can still remember things you can do, it seems."

"Doctor?" She cleared her throat from where she sat.

"Yes?"

"Will I ever remember?"

He sat down, hands resting on his thighs. "I'm afraid we don't know that."

"So what will I do?"

"Well, I will write a referral to one of our specialists on amnesia. You should go and see her once a day this first week. From there she'll decide what's best for your treatment. I'm afraid we don't know much about your condition, Commander."

"Commander?" She frowned at the title.

He smiled, tilting his head. "I shouldn't say too much. It is important that you unlock any memories yourself. If not we cannot know if you're just accepting what's been told to you or if you really remember."

"So... now what do I do?" She felt her shoulders slouch.

"Well, let's go through your personal belongings and your papers and we'll take it from there."

~•~

The silence was deafening and she let her fingers slide across the marble counter rising like an isle from water in the middle of the large kitchen. Sarah had picked the one they had in their old apartment. She had this fascination with interior and cooking. The kitchen was her favourite place to spend her time at, one of the things Samantha loved about her. The ferocious commander who loved to cook.

Samantha stared at the empty kitchen counter. She _hated _cooking and the counter looked just as empty as she felt. A knock on the door jolted her out of her thoughts and she gazed in surprise towards the large hallway. She supposed the rest of the old gang had heard the news and were coming over to see how she was doing. Putting on a brave face she dragged herself over to the door. She really didn't feel like company right now.

"Look, guys I-" her voice caught in her throat as see saw the blonde commander stand outside her door.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she smiled nervously. "I just moved in, well... back in." She paused before continuing, "I don't know if you remember me, but I think we met this morning."

Samantha wanted to laugh. _Remember _you_? _She opened her mouth to speak, but found she was speechless. Her wife was standing outside her door wondering if she recognized her. The blonde, long hair had been let out from the regular pony tail and she wore a white tank top with her brown leather jacket and a pair of jeans. She was as beautiful as ever with her grey eyes, speckled with green dust that adapted to whichever colour she wore. Sarah looked at her apprehensively. Her bottom lip had a small dip in it and when she smiled nervously the corner of her mouth bent and quirked in that peculiar, but adorable way.

"A-at the hospital. I think maybe I called you weird, but that's not what I meant... I was just _really _confused at the time."

Samantha tried to think of something clever to say, but found she was just as dumbfounded as the first that she had ever met the Commander, back on the Normandy.

"Oh, don't worry! I'm not some crazy stalker, I know it probably looks weird, but I didn't know you lived here. I just wanted to ask a neighbour if they knew... well, _me_."

"I remember you," Samantha managed to whisper. "And yes, you kind of did call me weird."

Another smile crossed the woman's face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I didn't know that we knew each other. I take it we do, since you were visiting me and you live next door to me _and_ you gave me the dossier."

"We do," Samantha said feeling a familiar warm flutter in her chest. "It's nice to see you again. How can I help you?"

Sarah laughed glancing sideways in that bashful manner she always used when she was nervous. "I just wanted to ask if you knew anything about me. I'm... uh... suffering from some kind of weird amnesia and I don't know anything about myself or my life."

"And you wanted to ask me?" Samantha asked with a hint of curiosity to her tone.

"Well," she blushed. "Yes, you seem like a nice person." She tilted her head. "I'm sure I liked you before."

"Did you ever," Samantha chuckled before she could stop herself. "I mean, we didn't hate each other."

Sarah squinted her eyes as she raised her chin to nod. Samantha hid a grin. That was her "ok, now you're being weird"-face. She waved disarmingly with her hands in the air before holding one out.

"I'm Samantha, would you like to sit down for dinner and I can see if I can help you remember something."

Sarah accepted the hand, squeezing it lightly as she nodded. Samantha felt the soft fingers lace around her hand and she barely managed to keep herself from pulling her wife into a hug, declaring how much she loved her.

"How about we go to your place? I'm afraid I've been quite busy lately and haven't got any food at home."

"Oh, I can help _you _with that, I love to cook."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. Memories

**AN: **Hey everyone, thank you all SO much for reviewing this story! Besides reading, subscribing and favouriting it some of you also reviewed which really make me happy. I'm glad my fellow ME-fans enjoy the story so far. I hope you stick with me till the end and that you enjoy this chapter.

For those of you who aren't already reading Losing What We Never Had, if you like this one, you might like that one as well. :) And if you want to keep up with chapter progress go find me on Twitter on (a)supernerdme.

Again, thank you so much for your support.

~Elmjuniper

* * *

_I've wonder many times in the past month how I would describe Sarah Shepard. Whose eyes do I look from to describe you? My own? Your companions? The rest of the galaxy? I will settle for my own eyes, for those are the only ones I can truly speak from. _

**MEMORIES**

SAMANTHA TRIED TO HIDE HER emotions as she stepped into the large apartment she and Sarah had shared until only hours earlier. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the familiar scent of their home as Sarah led them through the hallway into the large kitchen.

"You seem to be finding your way around quite easily," she said as the commander motioned for her to take a seat by the large kitchen table.

"It seems I know some things by heart," she paused pulling out a sharp knife. The one she always used when preparing food. "Things like cooking and space ships."

"Space ships?" Samantha asked casually.

"Yes. Funny thing is, the doctor shows me a picture of a ship and guess what I found in the living room. A big arsed painting of the same ship." She gestured with the knife towards the living room. "Can't say I had very good taste."

Samantha chuckled. She had tried to talk Sarah out of putting that tacky, oversized painting up in the living room, but she did save earth and the rest of the galaxy after all so there was little winning in that argument.

"I'm sure you had good taste in regards to _some _things," she hinted.

Sarah seemed to contemplate this where she stood. "Perhaps." She returned her focus to the garlic she was dicing.

Samantha watched Sarah from where she sat, her wrist bending with every chop. She missed this. Sarah had been hospitalized for the past two weeks and it felt like an eternity since she last saw her wife cook dinner for her. She studied her profile, the perfect nose, the plump lips and soft eyelashes.

"What?" Sarah smiled looking back at her.

"Nothing, I was just thinking th-"

"Ouch!" She flinched jerking her hand away from the garlic. "Damn it!" Sarah grimaced as she held her finger up towards the kitchen lamp. Blood trickled down the length of it, dripping on to her top, staining the fabric.

Instinctively Samantha got up from the chair and walked over to the cabinet where they kept the omni-gel and first aid box. Pulling it out she walked over to Sarah setting it down next to them.

"Here, give me." She held out her hand, applying a tiny bit of omni-gel once the commander had placed her hand in Samantha's. Then she carefully wrapped the tip in a see-through plaster. The world had invented mass relays and spaceships, but was still stuck with the same old fashioned plasters. She figured it was more habitual than anything else. She let her thumb caress Sarah's fingers suppressing the urge to intertwine them with hers and kiss them gently.

"How did you know where the first aid box was?"

She could feel Sarah's gaze burn on her as she realized her mistake. She didn't reply, but held up the bandaged finger, smiling.

"Good as new..."

"That's not really an answer to my question." The commander squinted her eyes at Samantha.

"Our apartments look just the same and I keep mine in the same place," she replied avoiding her eyes.

"Uh huh..." There it was, the typical Commander Shepard "I don't believe a word of what you're saying"-grunt. She tried not to smile sheepishly as she placed the lid back onto the large red box when she felt Sarah's hand grab hers. She lifted it towards her face and her brows furrowed as she inspected the titanium ring. Samantha held her breath trying to read the commander's face.

"You're married?" Sarah asked as she let Samantha's hand go.

"Err... yes."

"Oh."

"What is it?"

"I don't know, I just thought..." she shrugged. "It just felt familiar."

"It did?"

"I don't know, maybe I'm just grasping at straws. Anyway, looks like we have to get some good old fashioned take away. I can't feed you garlic marinated in my blood." She smiled.

Samantha masked her disappointment with a half-hearted smile. "Do you still like Wong's Paradise?" She asked putting the box back.

"I don't know, you saying I used to?"

_It was your favourite restaurant. That's where you proposed. _"I've seen you order take away from them a few times."

Sarah gave her a bemused look. "Ok, lead the way. I'll cook for you another time."

"Pancakes?"

"You want me to cook you pancakes?" the commander quirked an eyebrow as she disappeared into another room to change her top.

"Someone I knew used to make me pancakes," she offered as an only explanation.

Sarah emerged once again, grabbing the leather jacket from the chair. "If it's pancakes you want, I'm sure I can handle it."

~•~

"So, who's the lucky one? How'd you guys meet?" She asked studying the dark-haired woman sitting opposite her. There was something about her. She couldn't put her finger on what it was, but she found she liked her. She felt... safe around her. Perhaps because Samantha had been the first one she had seen that morning when she woke up in the hospital? They were evidently friends or at least friendly. Having spent parts of the first day of her life with Samantha she could understand why. Her journal stated she was thirty-three, but despite the years she'd already lived, this day was -for her- the first day of her life. It was scary not remember anything about yourself, what you had done or hadn't done, who you knew or didn't know.

"We, err... we used to work together, but my partner travels a lot." Samantha said battling the thin noodles with her chopsticks.

"So, that's why you're out here with me and not at home with your spouse," she mused.

Samantha looked up from her dish of noodles and tofu, an odd expression on her face. "Yes, well, it's complicated."

Sarah frowned. Something about her neighbour seemed off. Samantha obviously didn't want to talk about her marriage. Complicated, what did that mean? How complicated could it be? She decided to change the subject.

"What's your favourite memory?"

"What?"

"Your favourite memory," she repeated trying to stuff all the noodles wrapped around her sticks into her mouth. _I'm glad this isn't a date. _She thought quietly to herself as she chomped down the food. Samantha was right, she did like this place. This place served food tasting like a small slice of paradise.

"I thought we were going to talk about you," Samantha protested though Sarah could see the smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"Oh, go on, I can see you're dying to tell me, plus, I thought we already established there's not much to tell, I'm kind of a clean slate here. Unless you know more about me you're not telling me," Sarah winked. She was rewarded by a twinkling laughter.

"Ok, you win. In all honesty there are too many, but one of them is when we realized that the Reapers had been defeated. There was something so beautiful about that second. As if the world stopped to take its first breathe after holding it for what seemed to be an eternity." Samantha paused. "It was like watching the break of dawn for the first time knowing that there would still be a tomorrow."

"What's it like?" She put the sticks down.

"Watching a sunrise?"

"No, what's it like to remember _everything_?"

The woman cleared her throat and for a second she started intently at Sarah. "Honestly?"

Sarah nodded.

"Right now... it's a curse," Samantha replied quietly blinking into her glass of water before looking up at her.

"Is it that bad?"

Samantha gave a miserable laugh. "Enough about me. What do you know about yourself?"

"Well, only what my personal file has recorded. I'm a commander, I saved the galaxy from certain doom and I have no family."

"Ah... that was in it?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I suppose you'd wonder about all the people wanting to greet you in the streets otherwise," Samantha said.

"Actually they mostly point and whisper. Like that couple over there, see?" Sarah nodded towards a salarian couple who were ogling her and Samantha with wide eyes. They quickly turned back to their menus when Samantha turned to looked in their direction.

Mischief crossed Samantha's face. "Should I start calling you Commander then?"

Sarah snorted. "Can't say I dislike the sound of it."

"Very well then, _Commander_." What was that look in Samantha's eyes? She had little time to ponder it before Samantha spoke again. "So what did your doctor say?"

"She said that I should try to create new memories and that maybe those will trigger my old ones. It's unlikely, but it could happen."

"Oh... I think maybe she's right? Maybe you should just try to live as normal and hope that something will come back to you."

"Perhaps..." She leant into the soft chair she was sitting in gazing out at the immaculate view of the Citadel. The night sky hung above them like a dark blanket, millions of small crystals twinkling back at them. It was a warm night and a brisk breeze caressed her face gently. "You know, if someone asks me tomorrow, then _this_ will be _my_ favourite memory."

~•~

Their block lay veiled in darkness as Samantha shuffled along the thin bridge leading towards her flat. Her very _empty_ and lonely flat. The dim light from the street lamps hardly made any difference and she grunted irritably as her way was suddenly blocked by a dark trash can that appeared out of nowhere. She could hear Sarah's teasing laughter in her head as she pointed out her knack for walking into things. Samantha huffed indignantly. It _had _come out of nowhere.

Sarah hadn't stopped by to see her for a week and she was growing increasingly worried about her. Maybe this plan they had worked out wasn't so brilliant after all. Chakwas had told her she'd seen Sarah at the hospital every day so she kept her appointments. _Well, that's something, I guess. _At least she wasn't running rampage in the city trying to beat information about herself out of people. God knows Sarah had been very good at that during her days as a ruthless commander. Samantha smiled at the memory of the fearsome Commander Shepard. She had been so nervous the first time she was going to meet her.

Everybody knew who Sarah Shepard was. Rumour had it that she was stone cold, the lethal end of a sword. People didn't mess with Shepard. She was the kind of soldier who got things done the hard way. Angry and stern, yet fiercely loyal to her crew. Shepard wasn't known to dillydallying her crew. She was known to push them to their limits and then some. She was honest and sometimes brutal with her critique. Was it any wonder Samantha had been terrified moments before she was going to meet the great commander Shepard for the first time? She had stammered like some silly teenage girl talking to her biggest idol.

All those stories she had heard about Sarah must have been greatly exaggerated. She saw a firm yet kind commander who knew exactly what had to be done. Even in the face of fear she threw herself out of that shuttle charging into danger. It was nothing, but admirable. And unlike the urban legends one _could _in fact talk to the commander without leaving the conversation crying. She had almost cried once, but that was before Sarah was leaving for the last mission. Samantha shook her head. She didn't like that memory.

That day was without doubt one of the worst days of her life. She still remember the despair she had felt when Sarah turned around, giving her one last look before stepping onto the shuttle taking her and the rest of the team into the fray of the battle. She remembered everything about that day, the sounds, the smells and the final seconds before Sarah had stormed towards the Citadel. Joker had outdone himself and manoeuvred the Normandy to swoop in on the battlefield picking up a battered and bruised Liara and Garrus. Samantha didn't know what came over her, but she had rushed up to Sarah pleading with her not to go. In retrospect it was silly, of course she would. If she didn't it would mean the end for them all. Sarah had smiled that disarming smile of hers and placed her hand on Samantha's cheek. _Remember what you promised me. _She had whispered quietly, fearing this would be the last time she ever saw the woman she loved. _I will, I promise_.

She opened the door to her apartment and stepped inside in to the dark hallway. The door slid shut with a soft click behind her back. She put her bag down on the floor absentmindedly. When Garrus had told Joker to bring Normandy out of the risk zone he had refused. She stood behind him staring down at earth burning, knowing Sarah was down there. She, just like Joker, wouldn't accept the harsh truth -they had to leave Sarah behind. She had never been very good at hiding her emotions and as Joker steered the ship around she hid her face in her hands and wept. Garrus, the scarred, former C-Sec officer had wrapped his arms around her, telling her Shepard wouldn't let some pesky Reapers keep her from returning. He had been right. To this day she still thanked her lucky stars. They had all decided to disobey Sarah's order and return for her, never using the mass relay to leave the star system.

Liara was the one who had found her and they had all rushed over to her, shouting Sarah's name, removing all the debris piled up on top her. _You are all fired... for disobeying direct orders_, she had croaked up to them from where she lay. Samantha laughed at the memory. That moment where she sat cradling Sarah in her arms with the rest of the group huddling around her, breaking out in laughter at Sarah's reprimand had never left her. Even the alpha male Wrex had laughed heartily wiping tears from his eyes. They all had a future once again. They had gone from standing at the brink of annihilation to having a new, bright future ahead of them. It was _indescribable_.

Samantha sighed, grabbing one of the tall, thin containers of beer from the fridge as she walked over to the grand balcony. It was as indescribable as this was. She clicked the barely visible button next to the balcony and the glass door slid open. She stepped out onto it taking a sip from her cold beer staring out across the rows of houses and apartments littering the blocks all the way down to the river. The realization that Sarah couldn't remember that day was heart breaking. So many memories lost. Samantha let her thumb tap the outside of the container absentmindedly. Sarah must feel so confused and lonely. Perhaps just as lonely as she felt herself.

Sarah had insisted that if she was to lose her memory they would just have to force them all back into her, but Samantha had refused. The days when Sarah couldn't remember their wedding day or someone's birthday or name were bad enough. The guilt and shame displayed on her wife's face was enough for her to refuse. How could she put that burden on the woman she loved? Wasn't it enough that one of them suffered? Should they both suffer? She was going to do everything in her power to help Sarah remember, but not like that. One step at a time and no matter how long it took, she would be by her side. She would wait for her for an eternity should she have to.

~•~

_Pain. Excruciating pain ricocheted through her body. Voices echoed through her head. She can't see anything, only hear muffled noises. Something or someone is pulling at her and she wants to tell them to stop. It hurts. It tugs at her arm and suddenly she's blinded by the bright sunlight. _

"_Sarah? Sarah!" She recognizes the shadowy figure. It's kneeling next to her wrapping her in its arms. "You're alive!"_

"_Samantha?"_

Groaning she opened her eyes. Her back throbbed with a dull ache and she rolled off the sofa with a displeased grunt. What were these dreams she kept having all about? Where they old memories? Or were they just dreams? She rubbed her face in frustration. She couldn't tell. How could she? There was only so much she could learn from her journal. Apparently it didn't come with a manual of how to tell dreams from forgotten memories.

She walked over to the fridge, grabbing a large plastic canister with milk and popped the lid open drinking from it as she pondered her dreams. Why had Samantha been in it? If it was just a dream she could understand why Samantha was in it. Her neighbour wasn't exactly the ugliest girl on the block. In fact she was the opposite of that. Of course, she was also married. It was just something in the way she had looked at her that made Sarah wonder what it was Samantha wasn't telling her.

She set the milk down on the kitchen counter before crossing the living room stepping out on to the balcony. The night was warm and she let the fresh air clear her mind as she walked out to the edge of it.

"Can't sleep either?"

She turned her head to the side at the sound of the familiar voice. "Just having weird dreams."

Samantha walked closer before leaning her arms against the railing. "I haven't seen you around. Are you ok?" Was she worried about her?

"I'm fine, it's just... I mean, it's just... lonely," she said truthfully.

"You know, I'm always around. If you ever get lonely, you can just swing by?"

"I'd like that." She looked out from the balcony, counting the stars above them. "People look at me like I should be someone I don't know how to be. I don't know who Commander Shepard was. I don't know her story or who she is anymore and every time old colleagues notice that, I can see the disappointment in their eyes. It's like I hurt everyone by not remembering." She fell silent, waiting for her neighbour to say something.

"Sarah, a lot of those people didn't really know you. What's important isn't what they feel, they will have to understand. The important thing is that you find out who you are now. Some memories might come back, some might not and when you figure out who you are today, they'll just have to accept it."

"I would lie if I said the past didn't matter to me. Before I had a life, I had a purpose, a will and likes and dislikes. Now I have... _nothing_. I live life day-to-day and I try to fit in, but I don't. I don't belong anywhere."

"Ok, that's it. I'm coming over."

"What?!"

"I'm coming _over. _Now move so I can climb this balcony."

"Are you crazy?" She spluttered at the dark-haired woman now clinging on to the outside of the railing, shimmying towards her balcony. Once there she heaved herself up across it as smoothly as a cat. Samantha landed soundlessly next to her and put her hands on her shoulders. The touch made her skin tingle pleasantly and she felt herself turned around and shoved gently back into her flat. "_Go_. Now let's see what movies and junk food you've managed to bring home."

"Why?" She insisted, stubbornly stopping in the doorway.

"We're going to find out what you like and don't like. Now, do as I say. I promise you _won't _like it if you don't."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	4. Crazy Love

**Disclaimer: **As everyone knows Mass Effect and everything you recognize from it belongs to Bioware. I own nothing. :)

**A/N: **So, first of all thank you all for all the subscriptions, faves and reviews. It means the world to me to see people liking the story and also I so appreciate hearing from you what you think or if you spotted any inconsistencies etc.

If I haven't responded to your review it's because I'm an old forgetful, very absentminded, but charming lass. ;) Ok, I'm not **that** old, but still. Sorry it took long to update, I went for a vacation to the big, glorious US and didn't have much time writing. Anyway, I hope you like the update and that you'll stick with me to the end. last thing before I let you go is a small warning. There's a kiss in this chapter.

Cheers!

~Elmjuniper

* * *

_In my eyes you are like everybody else, only, a little more stubborn. God knows there were times when you ripped your hair in frustration over the council, the turians, and salarians not to mention the krogans, but not once did you give up. It's so typically you. You __**never**__ give up._

**CRAZY LOVE**

The man's voice was deep and soft as it caressed the gentle strumming of steel strings. The rhythmic beat of the drums carried the weight of the words that were sung with as much care as wind would gently brush the rustling leaves of a tree. Whoever he was singing about could take away whatever trouble or heartbreak the man was going through.

Samantha took a sip from her wine, her eyes lingering somewhere by the horizon. She loved this song. It always reminded her of how Sarah made her feel. From the first moment they had met Samantha had known. It took one look at the legendary commander and a heartbeat later Samantha knew her life would never be the same.

For one who usually didn't fall all that easily it was frightening to feel so fascinated and intrigued by someone. Perhaps it was the dire circumstances that let her set aside her usual timid approach or maybe it was just the effect the commander had on people around her. To this day Samantha still couldn't tell. She wasn't known for being girlfriend-material. Back on Earth she had wanted to keep her options open and if she was honest about it, she hadn't really found anyone that could meet her expectations in a partner. Perhaps for a night or two, but a long-term commitment? No, not for Samantha Traynor. Not unless she found the right one, though with her track record things didn't bode well for her. Not until Earth was taken by Reapers and she was thrown into a situation she could never have imagined being in.

Thinking about it she could hardly remember it. Flashes of people running frantically everywhere around her, the ear-shattering noise from the Reapers' destruction, people screaming and shouting, in fear, in panic, in shock and despair was all she could recall from that day. They had left Earth like that and not until a few days later when she stood at her station on the Normandy did she realize what was happening. She remembered _that _part vividly. She felt at loss on this huge ship. She wasn't a soldier or even prepared for fieldwork. She was a communications specialist. She did technology and retro fittings, not battle and certainly not war! It had taken all her willpower not to crumble on the spot at the feeling of complete and utter inferiority. What could she possibly do in this war against the Reapers?

A soft chuckle slipped across her lips where she sat on the dim lit balcony, an old fashioned lantern her only source of light. She had come a long way from then and was now known to have helped the great commander Shepard in her fight against the Reapers. She, Samantha Traynor, had helped the Saviour defend the galaxy. She still thought she was given a little too much credit at times, but then again, she did make sure Sarah was fit for fight each and every day even if it just was by giving the commander the promise of unconditional love and attention once she got her sweet tush back on the ship.

"Hey, neighbour." The familiar voice said from the other balcony. She tried to hide a smile by biting into her bottom lip as she looked up to see Sarah observing her with those peculiar eyes. "We've got to stop meeting like this." The commander joked, her eyes glinting.

"Yes, one might think you actually like me, Commander," she said with a toothy grin.

"Keep dreaming, Traynor," Sarah said though for a mere second Samantha thought she could see something flicker in the other woman's eyes. Could it have been..? No, Sarah didn't recognize her. As much as she wished the Commander would, Sarah still didn't remember her or their life together.

They had spent almost every day together this week after Sarah's doctor's appointments trying everything, from doing things she used to like to things she never would have done before. All the while Samantha had observed the commander's response. Admittedly it had been rather funny to see Sarah's face when she tried on the old dress Kasumi had made her wear from one of their assignments. Sarah's face had gone from doubtful to utter disbelief that someone would be able to make her wear that horrible thing and Samantha hadn't been able to stifle her hysterical laughter -which in return had earned her a smack over the back of her head.

Samantha studied the commander's face from where she sat. She longed to reach out and brush away the stubborn, blonde hair that kept falling in Sarah's face just to be rewarded with a kiss. She longed for the commander to hold her hand once again, a single touch, just to feel something -anything. And she ached for Sarah to look at her the way she used to. Sarah looked at her with this childish wonder and as fascinating as it was to see the worn out soldier without the ghosts of the past haunting her face, she didn't want to be looked at like that. She wanted those grey-speckled eyes to be filled with passion and love when they looked at her. She swallowed thickly smiling despite the growing ache inside her chest that threatened to overwhelm her.

"Are you ok?" Sarah squinted her eyes. The commander had an unnerving talent for quickly learning how to read other people, Samantha herself included.

"Yes, I'm sorry I was just lost in thoughts," she said with a wan smile.

"You do that a lot. Is it just me boring you or do you do that with everyone?"

"What? No! You never bore me!" Samantha exclaimed.

"Relax," Sarah chuckled. "I was just teasing you."

"Oh, I knew that..." Samantha felt her cheeks burn with a flush.

"Uh huh."

"Why are you pestering me anyway?" She teased.

"Hey! I was just coming out here to get some fresh air." Sarah defended herself.

"Isn't it amazing? How they built the Citadel? I mean, with a lake! And the air is so fresh, almost like back on Earth. Not quite the same, but it's not like you can be choosy up here."

"No, I guess you can't." The commander fell into her old taciturn self for a while remaining silent where she stood. Samantha looked away, pretending that things were the way they used to be. Enjoying the silence between them that hid the fact that Sarah couldn't remember anything. It never lasted long enough though.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Are you... like, a housewife?"

"A _housewife_?!" She heard herself splutter. That was not the question she had expected.

"Well, I never seen you go to work." Sarah explained hesitantly.

"How do you know I'm not just filthy rich? Have you _seen _ourflats?"

"Because you said you have a spouse that travels a lot for work so I-"

"Oh. My. GOD. You think I live off of my spouse! You think I'm a little _gold digger_! Well, You're _wrong_! I'm a Communications Specialist thank-you-very-much," she huffed indignantly. "I would never- are you laughing at me?!" She stood up slapping the commander whose shoulders were shaking wildly as she stifled her laughter.

"Hey, hey! No beating the amnesia girl!"

"Maybe I'll beat some memories into you, you git," Samantha hissed, swatting at the commander who grabbed her by the wrist from over the thin riling separating their balconies. She tried to wrench her wrist free, but the movement only caused her to sway forward as Sarah held her in a firm grip. A grin spread across Sarah's lips where she stood gazing down on her. They were dangerously close and Samantha felt a pleasant familiar feeling flicker in her chest as she looked up at the commander, barely daring to breathe. Sarah was so close and they way she looked at her threatened to break her defences. She lifted her hand up to the commander's soft cheek, cupping her face gently. _Please, remember me. _Samantha blinked, locking eyes with the commander. _Please, Sarah. Come back to me. Please... _And there it was. For a second something changed in Sarah's eyes. The lids widening before it slipped away. Recognition replaced by bewilderment. She let her hand drop to her side, her tears burning against her cheeks as she turned away from the commander.

"I'll see you around, Sarah."

~•~

The Purgatory was crowded and the music so loud Sarah could feel the bass reverberating pleasantly through her chest. She sighed heavily shaking giving her head a rueful shake, the beer stinging her throat. She grimaced as she let it wash down her throat, burning her stomach. Krogan's Breath. The beverage surely tasted like it sounded, but damn it was good for drowning your troubles. She set down the bottle staring at it. What a mess! She had spent the whole week with her neighbour. Sarah knew Samantha was just trying to help her remember, but she found that instead of wanting to remember she was secretly hoping she wouldn't so that their meetings wouldn't have to stop.

She exhaled, air tickling her lip as it rushed from her mouth with the sigh. Samantha was married. To someone else. Yet, earlier that night something had changed on the balcony. Samantha had reached up to touch her cheek and for a second Sarah felt this overwhelming desire to kiss her. Something in the other woman's eyes almost seemed to... want her to. She took another sip of the strong beverage. Something was going on between them, but what was it? She frowned into the thin neck of the bottle. Did she and Samantha have an affair before she lost her memory? That could explain these mixed signals her neighbour kept sending her. Hadn't Samantha said things were "complicated" between her and her spouse? What if she was the reason things were complicated?

She blinked. _Who am I kidding! Why would she have an affair with me_? It didn't add up. As much as she probably would have liked fooling around with her neighbour, Samantha didn't seem like the unfaithful type. She was too... nice. Samantha was genuine. She didn't have to remember things to be able to see this. Her neighbour was funny and kind and Samantha had a way of making her smile and whenever she felt like giving up Samantha had known just the right things to say to keep her going. No, Samantha definitely wasn't the kind of girl to hurt someone like that.

"Ugh!" She muttered, spinning the bottle neck between her fingers slowly. How was it possible that she was having all these feelings for this woman? She barely knew how she was herself, so how could she develop romantic feelings for someone else? A _married _someone else at that. _Married, Sarah!_ She was going to have to forget about Samantha somehow. Maybe they shouldn't spend so much time together. Being around Samantha was too addictive. It wasn't right or fair to Samantha's spouse. For everything Samantha had done for her, she owed her that much. _Maybe we can just-_

"Shepard?" _Huh? _That voice... She recognized it! Turning around she saw the dark-haired woman's face light up in a smile. "Shepard!"

"Ashley?" She gasped in surprise. _Ashley?! _

"I thought I'd never see you again!" The woman exclaimed incredulously.

"I remember you!" Gunnery... gunnery commander... _Think! _"Spectre! Ashley Williams, spectre, second! Secondhumanspectreafter_me_!" She spoke the last words so fast, in fear of forgetting them, so that they sounded like a word she made up herself as Ashley wrapped her arms around her holding her tight. She wanted to cry with happiness. She remembered this person. Feeling the other woman breathe into the bend where neck became shoulder she became aware that Ashley seemed to hold onto her with an odd sense of desperation.

"Hey... what's wrong?"

The other woman slowly let her go, brown eyes blinking away the dampness from them. "I thought I would never see you again, Skipper. When our ship went down I thought I was going to die. The only thing that kept me alive was the thought of seeing you again."

"Ash, I don't know what you're-"

"I'm not finished, Skip. I'm sorry. For everything." Ashley dropped her eyes.

"For what? I don't know what you're talking about," she explained.

"For Horizon and for the day of Ascension," Ashley whispered making it difficult for her to hear through the loud music.

"I don't, I don't remember, Ash."

"What do you mean you don't remember? How could you just forget? My God Shepard, you've always held that against me. Why would pretend not to remember it?" The specter's eyes suddenly burned with anger.

"Ash, you're not listening! I _can't_ remember -_anything_."

"Ugh, Shepard!"

"I'm not trying to be difficult, I honestly don-" Plump, soft lips pressed against hers as the spectre kissed her with fervour, Ashley's arms wrapping themselves around her neck pulling her closer. Sarah felt the warmth stir in the pit of her abdomen as Ashley's warm tongue slipped across her bottom lip, deepening the kiss, urging Sarah to explore her further. Sarah's hands had been hanging limply by her side, but she brought them to the delicate hips of the beautiful spectre, pulling Ashley closer until she felt her pressed tightly against her. She could feel Ashley gasp for air, breaking the kiss and she blinked, dazed and breathless from the kiss, their foreheads still resting against each other.

"Do you remember that?" Ashley's voice had a ragged, husky edge to it.

"I loved you," Sarah whispered in realization. Suddenly the images swam before her eyes, bright and vivid, blinding her, a searing pain ricocheted through her head. Thousands of images flashing before her in a mad dash, and she fought to take them all in as they appeared. She clutched her head groaning loudly.

"Shepard!" Ashley hands grabbed hers trying to pry them off her head. "What's wrong?"

The pain and images vanished as suddenly as it had appeared and she opened her eyes slowly.

"Are you okay?" The spectre asked apprehensively.

"We were a couple. On the first Normandy, but you couldn't be honest about who you were. To your family or yourself. You hid us from the rest of the world... because you were ashamed of _us_. That's why you told me you would never love me the day the Reapers attacked and we had to work together again." Sarah said remembering the hurt from that day. She had left someone she cared about back on Earth and they were standing on the ship she had a painting of in her living room. "You hadn't seen me for... six... no, almost two years and all you did was tell me you couldn't do it. That... you didn't love me, you never had."

"You cornered me and I was a coward. You always were the brave one, Skip."

"You broke my heart, Ash." She replied quietly, remembering the hurt as Ashley had turned to walk away from her knowing they would have to work together as if nothing had ever happened between the two of them.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know if I could trust you again. Or myself."

"You let me think you didn't love me, but you did?"

"I wanted to tell you, but by then you had moved on."

Sarah felt a stab in her chest. "Why tell me now?"

The end of Ashley's brows knit together in a scowl. "I've been M.I.A for nearly a year, you didn't notice? I was sent out to investigate the strange readings in the Attican Traverse, but our ship crashed on Odasst."

"You've been M.I.A?"

"I see I'm not that important anymore," Ashley said bitterly.

_Not important? _Sarah couldn't stop the laughter ripping from her mouth, a mixture of shock and happiness making her lightheaded where she stood staring at the only person in the whole galaxy that she could remember. The thought was so absurd it made her shake with laughter, her eyes tearing up as she squeezed them shut, clutching her stomach.

"You're an asshole, Shepard!" Ashley sniped, her hand launching itself to slap her face. She caught it, the second time this night a woman tried to slap her she noted to herself.

"Ashley, I have the weirdest case of amnesia, my memory implants are fried and you're the first person I can remember. Do you see how incredibly stupid it sounds to me when you say you don't matter." She stared intently at the other woman, her voice once again serious.

Ashley's head tilted, scowl deepening as she tried to decide whether or not she was lying. Sarah held her eyes, not flinching.

"Oh my God. You're not lying."

"I'm not lying," she echoed.

"Why me?" It sounded as if she was surprised.

"It's always been you," she whispered, pulling Ashley closer. If it was one thing she remembered it was the way the soldier's skin felt underneath her hands, how Ashley's breath would caress her ear, her nails raking down the length of her spine.

"What about Comm-" Ashley started before Sarah grabbed her by the back of her head silencing her with a kiss. She didn't know why Ashley was the only one she remembered. The only thing she knew was that right now it didn't matter.

~•~

His eyes gleamed as he stared at the solid metal box in his hands. The surface was sleek, the edges of the stainless steel rounded and soft. He held it up towards the light, carefully, like a doctor inspecting a newborn baby. This was the answer to all his prayers. How long he had searched for it! And now finally it was his. He wanted to throw his head back and laugh, but this moment was too precious. This artefact was too important. He licked his lips, placing the box on the table in front of him.

He let his two thumbs roll the old fashioned cogwheels, spinning the lock mechanism. He spun one wheel to the left, the other to the right, then he spun them simultaneously three times before spinning the second one two more times. The lock made a satisfactory click and he grinned. This was it.

He opened the box carefully, the shine from its content colouring his face red. The galaxy had once feared Reapers, but now they would have something else to fear and it was something far worse. He closed the box returning it to its hiding place. Not long until it was ready to use. Not long until the galaxy would be his oyster and if Shepard so much as sneezed in his direction she would be the first to experience his creation.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

* * *

**AN: **I told you there'd be a kiss, didn't I? ;) Not the one you expected?


	5. The Dossier

_You hate to play chess because in your opinion it doesn't reflect the battlefield despite being called a strategic game. You love old movies from the 20__th__ century. Your favourite one is about aliens –what else? You hate early mornings and crowds, but you love waking up to the soft touch of sunrays on your back. __**Especially**__ if you have company._

**THE DOSSIER**

SHE WOKE UP WITH A groan, her head throbbing with a headache. Feeling the warmth of someone else lying beside her, an arm wrapped around her waist she grinned to herself. Ashley Williams. Sarah opened her eyes despite the blazing pain turning to face the sleeping woman next to her.

Eyes fluttered behind closed eyelids, plump lips slightly parted as Ashley breathed slowly, the shoulder she wasn't sleeping on rising and falling with every breath. The peaceful spectre's thick, brown hair framed her slightly tanned face and Sarah gently brushed it aside, careful not to wake her sleeping company. She could see the faint scar from Virmire that ran across Ashley's one eyebrow, a small ridge in the dark-brown brow. She tilted her head eyeing another scar that made its way down from the hollow just behind her ear to the silky neck. Ashley got that from when they had fought Saren. Sarah remembered reading about the battle. The images were blurry. She could see Ashley clearly in her white and red armour, but everything else was out of focus and cloudy.

Their history was more than just complicated. When they first met Ashley had held an almost religious belief that aliens couldn't be trusted. It was almost as strong as her faith in God. Growing up on different ships around the galaxy Sarah had never believed in such thing as some white-bearded father figure hovering on a cloud. She believed in science and the Alliance. Small pieces of information became available to her once again for every little detailed she remembered about Ashley another piece of her own puzzle was solved.

Ashley had already been an outstanding solider when they first met. Her aggressive approach on the field had earned her the title she had back then – Gunnery Chief Williams. For someone with Ashley's family history Gunnery Chief wasn't all that bad, though if it wasn't for the family ties Ashley would have exceeded far beyond that. Ashley was a firm believer in following regulations, partly because everyone was waiting for her to do a Williams and partly because it enabled her to prove herself. Sarah smiled. That's what made the lieutenant hesitant to get involved with anyone she was teamed up with. That and the fact that her religious belief was that they could never have a relationship. It was unnatural. But something had changed Ashley's mind back then. At least during their time together on the Normandy SSV. Living on the Normandy Ashley didn't have to face the outside world. People knew about them on the Normandy even if the lieutenant had insisted on keeping it a secret. When she finally realized it was obvious, she couldn't bare the guilt and taint she felt.

Sarah made a wry face at the memory. How could she force Ashley to do something she clearly wasn't ready for? She could try to make her choose, but the prospect of telling her family about her and Sarah had been too much. Sarah knew she would lose Ashley either way. Thinking back about it she remembered how hard it had been standing close to the lieutenant trying not to think about the nights they had spent together, the soft whispers of devotion and promise of eternal love and how much she missed them.

Sarah eyed the bare woman in her bed, the silky skin reflecting the early morning sun's warming rays. _I wanted to tell you._ Ashley's voice echoed in her head. She should have fought harder for her. How could she have possibly just let Ashley go without a fight? She must have been some kind of idiot back then. Ashley stirred under her gaze, thick lips quirking upwards in a smile.

"You're watching me sleep," the spectre said as she opened her eyes, her voice still drowsy and hoarse.

Sarah let out air through her noise with a soft chuckle. "You're still here."

Ashley blinked tiredly before focusing her brown eyes. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I think you know why," Sarah said careful not to sound bitter. "Why did you change your mind? Why now?"

Ashley propped herself up on her elbow her free hand caressing Sarah's face reassuringly. "When the Collectors hit I thought I had lost you and it broke my heart. It destroyed me and then I saw you with Cerberus and instead of being happy I felt numb. I couldn't believe it was you, but somehow I knew God had heard me. He brought you back to me." The spectre spoke softly her eyes searching Sarah's for approval. "Then when you showed up again on the Day of Ascension, I didn't trust myself around you so I chose to question you. If I doubted you were still you I could tell myself that I didn't love this machine, this clone walking next to me."

"You did a pretty good job, Ash."

"I know. I thought I could block you out, but the more time we spent together the more I realized I was frightened of myself. With you I became so different. Happy, less competitive."

"I don't think _that _is even possible," Sarah said with a grin.

Ashley slapped her arm before rolling them over. "I never heard any complaints from you about that," the brunette whispered where she straddled her.

"Only because the view when you win is too good to complain about," Sarah grinned pulling Ashley closer. _Far too good._

~•~

The night had been too long. Too many thoughts had occupied her mind and it had been nearing dawn when she finally fell asleep. She rubbed her face as she slid off the bed dragging herself into the kitchen.

She opened the fridge scanning it with narrowed eyes. This whole cooking breakfast business was Sarah's thing. At least Sarah had taken pleasure in it. Samantha herself just made breakfast because that's what you did in the morning and she had to eat something. Grabbing a package of what looked like bacon, tasted like bacon, but was something else entirely, she went over last night once again in her head. Sarah had looked at her and for a moment she could swear the commander was at least thinking of kissing her. The way Sarah had looked at her -even if it was for just the briefest of moments- had overwhelmed her. _And what did you do? You left. _She chided herself. She had left the commander standing. Parts of her wanted to just grab Sarah by the hair and kiss her, but other parts wanted Sarah to remember her before kissing her. She shook her head. Chakwas had told her it was more likely Sarah would be better off to start creating new memories, but Sarah had insisted that she do her best to help her remember.

The bacon sizzled angrily, hot grease spitting on her arm and she yelped. _Stupid bacon! _Scowling at the bacon she could hear her yelp echoed by someone else's nearby. _Who?_ Turning off her stove she followed the sound of sparkling laughter, her scowl deepening. There was something familiar about that voice.

"Why, Commander, what kind of girl do you think I am?"

_Ashley Williams?! _The balcony door slid open and she nearly stumbled out on to the balcony to find the brunette spectre leaning against the railing of the balcony, hands playfully pushing at Sarah's chest to keep her at a distance. Samantha wouldn't call it "keeping her distance" so much as being at an inappropriate _close _proximity.

Ashley Williams: second human spectre, soldier extraordinaire, super gorgeous and also on that list -the infamous commander Shepard's "the one who got away". She could still remember the day of Ascension when Sarah had stormed into the Normandy carrying the unconscious soldier in her arms, fear and worry written all over her face. It was probably the only time anyone had seen their captain paralysed by shock. Sarah hadn't snapped out of it until Liara had ordered her to take Ashley to the Citadel for proper care. She doubted anyone else on that ship would have dared speak to the commander in such tone. Liara and Sarah had a history though. The asari had nothing to fear from the legendary commander.

Samantha swallowed thickly. She knew everything –well, almost everything- there was to know about Sarah and Ashley. Fairytale story gone completely wrong. Ashley had left Sarah after defeating Saren and to top it all off the soldier had completely shunned the commander back on Horizon. Samantha felt slightly guilty at the fact that she had taken advantage of a drunken Joker and pressed him on every piece of information he had about his friend, not that anyone on board Normandy couldn't sense the tense atmosphere between the two women. Especially after Ashley had shot Shepard's hope down with guns and lasers some days after returning to the Normandy. Now _that _was something that had been overheard by the majority of crew members. If Sarah hadn't looked as if she could kill someone with her mind when she stepped out from the lounge there would have been a unanimous "ouch" echoing throughout the crew quarters. Now it seemed the spectre had found her way back to Sarah's life.

"Sam!" Sarah noticed her where she stood mouth hanging open in a gawk.

"Specialist Traynor?" She could see the bewildered expression on Ashley's face.

"Ash, this is my neighbour, Samantha, apparently we used to know each other," Sarah explained. They could hear a distant beep and the commander's face lit up. "Ah, coffee! I'll be _right _back."

There was an awkward silence before Samantha finally regained enough wit to close her mouth before speaking.

"Ashley? I thought you were-"

"Gone?" Ashley filled in harshly.

"Well...yes," she replied honestly. "Not that I would want you gone-_gone_. A-alive is good." _What am I saying?! _"I mean, I just didn't know you were back. In Sarah's shirt. _Only_." She paused taking a deep breath before continuing. "In my _wife's _shirt only, to be more specific."

Ashley's face paled. "What?!"

"Sarah and I got married. You were already away on a mission so she didn't invite- wait, _why _are you in my wife's shirt?!" Realization suddenly hit her and she felt her heart stop. Looking at Ashley she knew the answer already.

"She said she lost all her memories. I didn't she was..." Ashley lifted her hand to her forehead sighing into it.

"I guess-" Samantha started, but was cut short by the spectre.

"Why haven't you told her? Shit, Traynor! She's your _wife_, don't you think she has the right to know?"

"We had, well, _she _had a plan. I didn't know it would affect anyone else in the way it obviously has..."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

"Whoa, what just happened?" Sarah stood in the doorway, two mugs in her hands, looking perplexed. "Did someone die when I was in the kitchen?"

"I've got to go," Ashley barely gasped before brushing past the commander.

"What the-?" Sarah looked as if she'd been slapped. "What happened?"

Samantha stood still not moving, still processing the information. Sarah had slept with Ashley. Sarah had slept with _Ashley_. Not just another woman, but Ashley. She felt the cold lump in her chest grow into a large mass. If Ashley hadn't ended things so abruptly with Sarah would they be the ones married today? She barely heard the commander set the mugs down to rush after Ashley, the roaring sound of pain and hurt overpowering everything else. So she had lost her. Her biggest fear had come true. She had lost Sarah. There was movement on the other balcony. Lifting her gaze she looked straight into Sarah's grey-speckled orbs.

"You remember her, don't you?"

"Yes..."

She laughed miserably. "You remember Ashley. Of course you would."

"Yeah, well, care to explain to me what happened out here? Ash said you and I have things we need to talk about."

"No we don't Sarah." Her wife may have lost all her memories, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. That didn't mean she felt betrayed that Sarah remembered Ashley and had gone to bed with her nonetheless. "I can't do this anymore, Sarah."

"What are you talking about?"

"The dossier I gave you the first day we met. Read it. All of it."

~•~

"Ashley! Open the door," Sarah demanded as she banged with her fist repeatedly against the thick door. She knew Ashley was inside, but for some reason she wasn't going to talk to her. What the hell had happened that morning? One minute everything was fine, the next Ashley storms out and Samantha acts all...shady.

"This is ridiculous," she muttered as she activated her omni-tool. One of her skills had been hacking things, with a little luck, her brain would remember just how. Her fingers moved quickly across the keys on the omni-tool. The square-shaped keys made beeping noises as they were prodded and pushed by her fingers.

She placed her hand against the lock and the omni-tool spun and clicked. The lock flashed from red to green and she grinned in satisfaction. That wasn't too bad. The lock flickered from green to orange before turning red with an annoyed hiss.

"Ash!"

"Go. Away."

"Ash..." she tried again, her voice softer this time.

"Don't Ash me!"

She rolled her eyes taking a deep breath. "Fine, Ashley, but can you please open the door and talk to me? I will just keep on hacking it until you do."

There was a loud grunt then the door slid open, the brunette spectre standing with her arms crossed behind it.

"Well?" Sarah held her hands out giving the spectre a quizzical look. Ashley's lips thinned, eyes narrowing as she studied her.

"You don't remember Samantha?"

"Nope. I thought we had established that I don't remember anything except for you." This was getting old. How many times was she going to have to repeat herself? Was it really that hard to believe?

"And what did she say after I left?"

"What's going on here? I didn't come here to talk about Samantha. I wanted to talk about why you just stormed out on me. What happened?"

Ashley swallowed before turning away from her. "I can't be with you, Skipper. Not until you remember."

"Why are you suddenly doing a one eighty on me?"'

"Haven't you ever wondered how you know Samantha?"

"Look, Sam is my neighbour, of course we're going to know each other. But," she paused, walking up to Ashley, placing a hand on her shoulder. "whoever she is, you're the important one."

Ashley turned around to face her again reaching up with her hands to cup her face. "You don't know how long I've been waiting for you to say that..."

"Then don't walk away from this again," Sarah murmured pulling the other woman closer. Ashley leaned her forehead against her lips, holding her close.

"I wish I didn't have to, Sarah. Trust me, but you've got to figure this thing out. If you don't I'll never know for sure if it's really me you want." Ashley broke free from the embrace avoiding her gaze. "I'm sorry, Skipper."

~•~

_Well, this is all just a load of bullshit! _ Sarah threw herself down in the large sofa with a dull thud. This week had gone from amazing to horrible in a matter of hours. Ashley had gone from wanting to give their relationship a real chance to not wanting to see her again. _Just like old times, Ash. _She took a swig from her beer bottle and chuckled miserably. She really wished she could say she was stronger than this. She wished she could look at Ashley and tell her that she had moved on, that she wouldn't get sucked back in every time she met the woman. This thing, would it ever work out? Something told her it wouldn't. Things hadn't worked out before. She had bent over backwards for this woman, but the result was always the same. It was in other words what Einstein would have called insanity. Downing the remains of the beer bottle she nodded in agreement. She was going back to the same patterns all over again. Chasing after Ashley like some love sick puppy. What had it taken for her to spend the night with Ashley? One kiss? Not even that. More like one look from the spectre.

She sat the bottle down on the table as she stood up to fetch another one. Salarians may look small and fragile, but their beer was really something else. She swayed where she walked and she enjoyed the feeling of drowsiness. Grabbing a new bottle her gaze fell on the dossier Samantha had mentioned earlier.

"Ok, Sam. Let's see why you think this is so important. You're hiding something, perhaps this has the answers." She bit of the lid from the bottle and spat it out as she walked back into the living room. Sitting down she powered up the dossier and it flickered to life in her hand. She skimmed the first parts, but something about the composer of this dossier felt familiar. She didn't know what it was, but it felt…like home.

_You were born in July, but you're not a typical Cancer, then again, you never did believe in all that mumbo jumbo. I promised I would never tell anyone this, but you're a sucker for Hibiscus flowers. Yeah, the great Commander Shepard loves to tend to her plants in her spare time. I know, who would have thought? _

_I suppose I shouldn't lay too much on you right now, but parts of me wants you to remember everything immediately. I know you won't. Ironic. You can take down a whole Reaper invasion, but you can't remember the simplest things about yourself. Or the most important for that matter. _

_I should tell you something about this place. See this bed you're sitting in? That's not your bed. If I'm right, you'll be at Huerta Memorial. We decided it was the best place for you to get treated at. The doctor's warned us that your treatment might not work. That one day you would wake up from your sleep and not remember anything. It seems that day has come despite our best efforts._

She remembered that day when she woke up and that empty room. Seemed like whoever wrote this knew she was going to be in that very room.

_If you look out the window. Go on, get yourself out of that bed and look out. See over at the far right, where the river seemingly bend upwards, reaching for the sky? There are white buildings there, tall ones. Count the floors from the bottom. Twelve, count to twelve. You see that floor now? Look to the door that is blue. We picked that together the day we moved in. _

_You should go there. You will find more letters from me. Why? Because I need you to remember your life so that we can be happy. Without your memories, we are bound to be apart and I cannot bear the thought of that. We fought too hard to lose it all. I need you Sarah. Now go home. _

Home. She looked around the room. The person writing the dossier was right. This was home, but something was missing. She looked through the passages she had just read. No, not something. _Someone_.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	6. The Day Trip

**AN: **Right, sorry this took so long to update. Working on other stories as well and hit a little road bump. Few things before I let you go. The foreground image on the cover was made by Fishbone76 on Deviantart. Go check out her stuff because she's seriously amazing! Oh and she also has a Traynor group on Deviantart to satisfy your every Traynor-need. ;)

If you subscribe, fave, read, enjoy, hate etc, please leave a review.

~Elmjuniper

* * *

_I know this doesn't make any sense to you right now, but you have to trust me, just follow the instructions in the letters. To know yourself you have to know me. I know you will want to remember everything at once, but do it my way and I promise you won't ever forget again. _

**THE DAY TRIP**

"With Ash?!" Steve Cortez stared at her with eyes wide as saucers.

"Yes, Cortez, thank you, for reminding me that it's the knuckle-cracking glamour-spectre we're talking about. Really." Samantha snapped despite herself. She was angry, no, she was _furious_ with Sarah. If Sarah thought a severe case of amnesia was going to get her out of trouble she was dead wrong! She released a sigh that she had held on to far too long, her chin falling towards her chest. "She is such an idiot!"

"Hey." Cortez tilted his head reaching over to her grabbing her by the shoulder. "I know how hard it is to lose someone you love, but Sam, you haven't lost her. Not yet. She's still alive. "

"But Ashley Williams of all people." She shook her head ruefully. It would have hurt regardless of who Sarah had decided to share her bed with, but that it was the one who had so solely owned the commander's heart at one point cut deeper than Samantha could have ever imagined.

"You know Sam, if there's one thing Shepard taught me it was to dust yourself off and get on with it. Everyone thought she'd been beaten after Thessia, but even then she just got back up again somehow. I watched that woman never give up. She helped me move on from losing Robert, not once did she give up on me."

"She is pretty amazing." Samantha agreed. "But sometimes, she is just so…"

Steve chuckled, gently lifting her chin with a curled index finger. "Sure, sleeping with Ashley wasn't the smartest thing she ever did, but then considering how many times she bumped her head those last two months…"

She chuckled and smiled despite the miserable situation. "You're terrible! Don't talk about my wife like that."

"What are you going to do, cry at me?" He raised an eyebrow challengingly.

"No, I'm going to beat your arse in Kepesh-Yakshi." She narrowed her eyes blinking away the tears that had been burning behind her lid.

"Now that's more like the Sam I know. Ok, show me what you got specialist," he said as he stood up gesturing towards the large table.

Sighing she rose from her seat. Perhaps a game of Kepesh-Yakshi would at least help her think about something else than Sarah and Ashley and the look on Sarah's face when Ashley left. In the heat of the moment Samantha had told her to read the dossier. Would she have found the rest of the dossiers scattered around the flat? Parts of her hoped that Sarah had found them, parts of her were scared she had. Would Sarah understand? Would she ever want to see her again after keeping things secret from her? What choice did she have? She had made a promise. Maybe she shouldn't have, but not even in her wildest dreams had she thought it would come to this.

_What had you thought? That it would be like one of Tali's silly movies?_ Trailing after Cortez she chided herself. She had known it would be hard, that things would be rough, but not like this. Neither she nor Sarah had calculated the risk of Sarah falling for someone else. Well, Sarah hadn't, Samantha had…worried about it. _I never thought she would lose her memories. _She admitted to herself. Deep inside she had always hoped for some miracle cure or for Sarah to once again beat the odds like she always did. Or that Miranda Lawson would come back with some solution. But none of that had happened and here they were. Turning a corner she felt someone grab her by the arm and spin her around.

"You're hiding something."

Samantha froze where she stood, slowly lifting her head to face her wife.

"Hello, Commander," she said carefully.

"I read your letter." Sarah held out the folded white paper in her hand. Samantha frowned. "Ok, Sam, let's play this your way. The only way Ash will be with me is if I remember who I am. These letters," Sarah waved the letter to emphasize the last word, "will help me remember."

She tried to not let her eyes flicker with uncertainty where she stood opposite Sarah. It hurt to hear Sarah speak of Ashley like that. Most of all it hurt to be so insignificant to the commander that had it not been for the fact that she thought Samantha was the only one who could help her then Sarah probably wouldn't have spoken to her at all. Sarah needed her to get back with Ashley. It appeared the raven-haired spectre had given Sarah an ultimatum. Knowing Sarah she would do anything to deliver on that one. For Ashley Williams Sarah Shepard would walk across corpses.

"So will you do-"

"Whatever it takes. I'm _not _losing her again." Sarah cut her off with a determined look. "So, let's get on with i-" Sarah cut herself off looking a little dumbfounded as Steve emerged from the crowd wearing an annoying expression on his face.

"Sam! I waited over by tables like an idiot!" Steve pulled to a stop next to her putting his hands on his hips. "Why do you make me work so hard for you?" He gritted his teeth not noticing their former commander behind his back. Samantha tried to give him her best "not-right-now"-look, but the pilot remained oblivious.

"Whoever said you were easy to love was obviously delusional or -I don't know- a superhero who- _what_?" Finally aware of her stare he interrupted himself, wearing a puzzled look on his face.

Samantha looked over at Sarah who stood silent, an eyebrow raised accompanied with an amused smile.

Steve turned around slowly, grinning sheepishly. "Oh…"

"Hello, I'm Sarah," the commander said holding out her hand in a greeting. Steve shot Samantha a quick glance then grabbed the commander's hand.

"I'm Steve, nice to meet you Sarah," he said giving her hand a firm shake. "Uhm, Sam, I've got some things I have to look into, why don't you just call me when you're done?" Steve lied giving her a quick hug then he gave the commander a curt nod disappearing as quickly as he had appeared.

"So how did you know I was here?" Samantha asked.

"You're a bit of a nerd, you know. Let's just say I had a hunch," Sarah replied looking around the arcade as they walked towards the exit.

"Geek. I prefer geek," Samantha muttered under her breath.

"Whatever. Now you kindly let me know in this letter that there's something back on Earth I should see. So you're taking me on a day trip."

"A day trip? Where to?"

"_You _my expert friend, are taking me to London."

~JTSYA~

"This is it?" Sarah asked as she studied the large ship on display in front of them. She had thought it would be a little bit bigger, not that it wasn't big, but for some reason she had just envisioned it a lot larger. She let her gaze run along the smooth bend of the hull all the way to the back before her eyes caught the blue and white colours of the Alliance symbol on the side of Normandy's sleek hull. She felt her heart jolt, a strange longing starting to tug at her chest followed by a heavy feeling in her heart.

This ship had been hers. Now it lay on display on a large filed in London next to the many memorials of those who had fallen during the Ascension. She stepped closer feeling a sense of security settle in. It felt like coming home, as if she somehow knew she belonged here, on that ship. What had made her give that ship up?

"You wanted to honour your fallen comrades and all the people who lost their lives, buying you time to unite the galaxy against the reapers," Samantha said where she stood next to her. Almost as if she had read her thoughts.

"I feel...torn," she admitted. "Like I'm happy and devastated." She turned to look at Samantha. "Why?"

Samantha didn't look at her. "You lost someone you cared about a great deal. He was like a father to you, a mentor and someone you respected and loved. We all admired him."

"Captain David Anderson?"

Samantha nodded quietly and for the first time Sarah realized that while she had forgotten the fear and pain of the war against the reapers most people on Earth hadn't. Watching Samantha where they stood Sarah could see that the comm specialist obviously had not forgotten anything about that war.

"Are you ok?" She asked turning to face her neighbour. Samantha looked up, smiling.

"Yes, don't mind me."

"Liar," she said softly. "I can see it in your eyes." She sat down on the soft grass patting the empty space next to her. Hugging her knees she chewed her lip. "I don't know what the war was like. I've read about it and I wish I remember. I wish I remember fighting for this, for humanity and while I wallow in self-pity I forget about people like you. People who were there when it happened and who relive the memories when visiting places like this."

Samantha took a seat next to her, her soft skin briefly brushing against Sarah's own. "No one can blame you for not remembering," the specialist tried to reassure her.

"No, but they can blame me for not being more respectful." She paused, silence settling between them. "Tell me about it."

"What?" Samantha turned her head looking at her.

"Tell me about that day. Please."

Samantha looked away her gaze distant as she thought back of that day.

"It was one of the worst days of my life. I thought we were all going to die. It felt unreal, I couldn't grasp what was happening, that I was in the middle of it all. That people I cared about, people I had come to love, was down there fighting their way through the worst of it. I feared I would lose them all and the only thing I could do was sit back and wait." Samantha's voice trailed off before she picked up where she had fallen silent. "Not knowing was the worst part. Feeling helpless, useless and worrying to death about y-"

Sarah looked up from where she sat. Samantha had interrupted herself. Why?

"Worrying about everyone I knew." Samantha picked at the grass with her fingers avoiding to look at her.

Sarah nodded slowly silently wondering if Samantha had referred to her husband when talking about her loved ones fighting on Earth. He did look like the Alliance kind of guy. She thought back of the man she had met back on the Citadel. He seemed like a nice enough man.

Feeling a twinge of jealousy she studied the woman sitting next to her, the slightly parted lips, the small nose and jet-black hair and the dark skin shimmered slightly in the sunlight. A sudden desire to reach out and let her fingertips gently run across the skin of Samantha's arm, up across her shoulder towards her neck overwhelmed Sarah where she sat in the soft grass next to the specialist. She felt a tingle in her chest. Why did Samantha make her feel like this? Had she felt like this around Samantha before she lost her memories? Whatever it was, in this place it felt like Samantha and the Normandy belonged in her life. It felt safe. As if she'd come home. Looking away from Samantha her gaze fell on the ship again.

"There must have been good times. Despite the war," she mumbled quietly.

"Oh," Samantha chuckled. "The best..."

She wished she could remember the way Samantha did, but all she knew from the war was what she had read. She remembered Ashley getting hurt, she remembered Ashley asking for permission to board the Normandy again and she remembered the spectre near the end, in the heart of London where Anderson had set a makeshift camp in the rubble of some old buildings. She narrowed her eyes. She remembered their goodbye. She felt at peace, she had given the lieutenant a hug, told her she better go out there and give them hell -that she was counting on Ashley- but there was something missing.

"What's wrong?"

She looked back at Samantha. "Just remembering something from that day."

"You do?"

"I don't understand it. I remember everything about Ashley. Our moments together, our fighting, our friendship, but everything else around it is blurred and out of focus."

"Ashley, huh?"

"But when I look at the Normandy it's not Ashley I think about. It's something else that makes the Normandy feel like home, I just...I can't remember what it is." She paused, rubbing her face in frustration. "It's so close, as if it's right in front of me."

"I know what you mean..." There was a tinge of sadness to Samantha's voice.

"Why are you doing this? I know you're not telling me everything."

"Because someone made me promise. I can't tell you everything, you just have to trust me."

"What if I pull my Commander Shepard-card?"

"Trust me, the person I made a promise to has higher authority than Commander Shepard," Samantha chortled leaning backwards on her elbows.

"Ok, fine, you win." She shook her head in defeat.

"Wait? I _win_? Did the great Commander Shepard just admit defeat?!" The specialist asked in pretend shock.

Laughing Sarah grabbed a fistful of grass and threw it at her neighbour who chortled loudly.

"I like your laugh." She chuckled.

"And now you made me blush." A blush spread across Samantha's cheeks.

"Yeah?"

"Well...Just a little."

"A little, huh? I better work on my charm then."

~JTSYA~

The bright neon signs lit up the walkway outside their apartments as they made their way back after stepping off the ship on the docking bay. Sarah had wanted to see the rest of London and they had spent the day walking through the rebuilt city. She had watched the commander in secret as she strode along the streets taking everything in for the first time. Sarah was captivating yet the commander wasn't even aware of the power she held over Samantha. Sarah had been relaxed seemingly enjoying her day and much to Samantha's relief the lieutenant hadn't been mentioned for the rest of the time they had spent together.

"This would be me," she said as her door came into view.

"Ok," the commander said hesitantly. "I had really nice time today." Sarah glanced at her from where she stood.

"Me too," Samantha replied, digging around her bag for her key card.

"Tell your husband I appreciate he let me borrow you today. If I was him I wouldn't let you out of my sight."

She stopped her digging looking up in shock at Sarah. Her wife stood with both her hands shoved deep down into the pockets of her jeans, blonde unruly hair defying the constraints of her hair band, twisting out from it, falling freely in places. Samantha wasn't sure which surprised her the most. That Sarah thought Cortez was her husband or the fact that she had just said she wouldn't let her out of her sight if she was him.

She opened her mouth to speak, but had to process the situation once more. Then she started laughing. "You mean Cortez?"

"Yeah?" Sarah frowned in confusion.

"Oh God, no. He isn't my husband. Trust me, we are definitely not each other's type."

"Oh. I thought- because he said..."

"Unless I grew a beard and shaved my head I would never be his type."

"You mean- ooooh," Sarah said in comprehension. "Well, now I feel stupid."

"Not as stupid as I feel," Samantha muttered.

"Why is that?"

"I left my key card with Cortez. He's only visiting for the weekend so I gave him my card this morning. I didn't know you'd...come around."

"Well," Sarah looked over her shoulder. "You can always hang out at my place until he gets back."

Hang out at Sarah's place? Samantha wanted to laugh and point out it was just as much hers, but she remained silent. Knowing Ashley had spent the night there and was most likely to spend more nights there made her feel almost sick.

"I don't know..." She replied truthfully.

"You know I have all these pancakes ingredients just standing around...but if you'd rather hang around out here I won't stop you. See you around, Traynor." Sarah fired off a grin, winking as she turned around and walked up to her own door.

"Now you're just playing dirty," she growled, quickly running up behind the commander.

Sarah chucked her key card on the small chest of drawers in the hallway, proceeding into the kitchen.

"Didn't take too much to persuade you."

"Are you calling me easy?" Samantha narrowed her eyes folding her arms across her chest.

Sarah raised an eyebrow, the slightest hint of a smile on her lips. Samantha scoffed.

"I am anything but, I'll have you know."

"Mmm..." She could see Sarah's eyes glint before she opened the fridge disappearing behind its door as she peered into the fridge. The commander rustled around with her hands in the fridge knocking things over in the process. Re-emerging from behind the fridge door Sarah put her loot on the counter.

"Can I ask you something?" Samantha said where she leaned against the kitchen counter watching Sarah crack eggs into a bowl.

"Seeing as I've been the one doing the asking I'd say it's only fair to let you ask something in return," Sarah replied as she poured the milk into the bowl mixing it.

She hesitated before opening her mouth to speak. "Why Ashley?" It was the question she had feared the most when they had first been together. The question Sarah had never answered nor wanted to talk about, but she had to know.

"Why Ash, what?" Sarah's fingers pinched some salt adding it to the batter.

"Why Ashley? What is it about her?"

Adding the flour to the batter Sarah looked up from her bowl. "If you had asked me two days ago I would have said; everything. When I saw Ash again I remembered all these feelings I had before I lost my memory. She's a strong, capable, independent woman. Pig-headed at times and she loves to just get on my nerves sometimes. She's daring, but smart and...she's beautiful."

Samantha swallowed thickly. Why had she asked this question? She had hoped Sarah would say that Ashley was manipulative when she needed to be, alien unfriendly, thick-headed, hardened soldier, everything Samantha herself couldn't be, but that she could make up for with other things. But Sarah had mentioned all the things about Ashley that she had also loved about Samantha. Maybe she had just been a replacement? Someone Sarah had settled for? She snorted. No, Sarah Shepard, saviour of the galaxy was the last person to settle for anything. No, Sarah hadn't settled for her. The ring on her finger meant Sarah had wanted to be with her and there were far more things that just the ones Sarah had mentioned that the commander had once said she loved about her. This thing had just rattled her. She knew her wife better than that. She had never doubted Sarah before, she wasn't about to start now. Sarah had always been the strong one. Standing in their kitchen Samantha knew that it was her time to be strong. For the both of them and for their marriage. This time _she _was the warrior.

Sarah's heavy sigh brought her back to reality.

"If you ask me now. I don't know...I'm starting to think..." Sarah glanced back at her.

"Think what?" What was that look Sarah was giving her? She tilted her head. Sarah looked at her the way she had before she lost her memory. Samantha straightened up where she stood, heart beating a little faster.

"That this batter is ready to cook. So get ready, specialist. Grab the things from the fridge that you want to eat your pancakes with."

"Nonono, you think _what_?" Sarah was hiding something form her. Oh, she knew when her wife wasn't telling her something!

Pouring the batter into a frying pan Sarah turned her back towards her before looking across her shoulder locking eyes with her.

"I think I just realized what was missing."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


End file.
